Tresses of Black

Tresses of Black
 Is the start of a series about two detectives. 
Joe and Meg.

I Will Find You
Is the last to be posted three more in the series to come.
Enjoy A.J.

I will find you

His trail had gone cold, that did not stop me for a moment.

The flight he took to Brazil landed and he disappeared I knew why he went to Brazil, as they did not have an extradition treaty. Before booking my flight, I went to see Leo the drug dealer. He had come to Joe’s funeral and left a note at my apartment. I could not believe he had offered to help me find Joe's killer.

Leo was originally born and raised in Brazil and had many relatives still living there. In addition, many people in his line of business. He was well connected. I called his office, a girl answered asking me my name and number and telling me someone would get back to me. Within ten minutes, Leo returned my call.

“What can I do for you pretty lady?” He asked.

I laughed remembering the last time we had spoken in his office he had called me a bitch. It seemed like a century ago. I asked if we could meet somewhere not at his office.

“Remember where we met when you were a detective.” He knew I was not one anymore.

“Yes I do.” I Answered.

 “I will be there tonight at ten o’clock, come alone.” A click sounded.

He was waiting again at the big house, and then he guided me to the small house in the trees just like the last time I had been here was with Joe. A bottle of Scotch with two glasses and ice sat on a table.

I took the iced glass shaking my head for no water. We sat like old friends if someone had been watching that would be the impression they would have. All his fingers were bare of rings, his rotund body had a sleeker look to it. He had lost weight.

“I understand you have left the force my dear.”

“It will be six months tomorrow and I don’t miss it one bit. I would like your help in finding the man who killed Joe, he is in Brazil.”

“You helped put the killers of my lovely Kitty away, of course I will do what I can.”

“I need contacts in Brazil that are not connected to the police.”

He laughed, “You planning on taking this person down yourself outside the law.” 

“He killed my partner and best friend and the answer is yes.”

“I think he was more than a partner and best friend my dear.”

“I will have an envelope ready for you by tomorrow at your apartment.” You should finish your drink as I have a business meeting here soon. Thanking him I left as I drove out two dark vehicles were driving in. Guess he had not retired after all.

A hard knock at my door the next morning, a large man handed me a brown envelope, not saying a word, he was gone before I had a chance to thank him.

Clearing my coffee table, I spread out all the contents, pictures, with names phone numbers of contacts. Relatives if I needed help or a place to stay. Including a new passport and identity papers, the picture could pass for me. Leo was very thorough.

Tom was my only phone call from the airport ,I told him I was going away for a time, but would stay in touch. His last words to me were to stay safe. If I needed anything I knew where to find him. Before hanging up Tom told me Mathew had cleaned out his wife’s bank account and written a forged cheque on his father-in-law's account. Totaling, well over two hundred thousand dollars. I believe Tom guessed what I was going to do.

The trip was long with a couple of plane changes.No problem with luggage as I always packed light, only carry on. I could always buy what I needed, as I emptied my bank account, closed up my place, throwing out any perishables from the frig. 

It was humid when I landed, a card with my name on it held high. A young man smiled as I came towards him. “Leo is my uncle,” As he took my bag, steering me towards an older car. We were heading into town before I had time to ask his name. His mother was expecting me at the house. When I told him I would be staying in a hotel, he shook his head and kept on driving.

The house painted with white - wash, a garden behind the walls, a mass of colorful flowers filled the entrance opening onto the courtyard, with vegetables growing profusely. The aroma of vivid flowers filled the air.

A heavyset woman greeted me putting her arms around me with a hug. She jabbered in broken English interspersed with Portuguese spreading her hands towards a table full of food. Leo would have been better to stay here in Brazil for a better life.

A bell sounded in a few minutes the table filled with people, a man that could have been Leo sat down next to me. He spoke perfect English, he was Leo’s twin brother. An aged woman sat at the head of the table this was the Mother everyone showed respect towards her helping her fill her plate, poring a half glass of wine for her. Many children sat quietly until after Grace was said by Leo’s brother and a toast to me, and then the chattering began. The food was spicy the smell filled the air, Joe would have really enjoyed all the different flavor of the dishes.

After our meal, I thanked them all for the hospitality that is when Leo’s brother took me outside for a talk. This grandfatherly man had spoken to Leo knew why I was here and told me he would help with some men to get Mathew Sparks. They had tracked him to a hacienda near the beach. He had moved four times, every few months to a different location. He was seen last a month ago with a woman living in her house. He calls himself, Gregory Smith.

I asked how they had been tracking him for so long when I had only approach Leo a week ago. Tony laughed, “Leo has had us watching him for six months.”

Leo knew me better than I thought, he knew I would go after him and saved him for me. He also was not taking any chances with his brother and family, with phony fictitious names of people he told me would help. His family was my help.

Tony and two nephews drove me over to Santa Catarina right on the southern coast an hour drive from their home. The landscape changed as we drove, the grass was brown from lack of water but still picturesque as we climbed a scattering of villas appeared. 

“This is where he was seen two days ago when he left the woman's  house.” Tony remarked.

“I want to do this on my own Tony, you have been enough help I do not want you’re family involved.” Smiling I got out of the car with my backpack.

“Let me stay for backup Meg.”Tony said.

“When I am done I will hitch a ride back to you before I leave I promise.” Waving as I headed towards a small hotel on the beach.

Asking for a one bedroom with a waterfront view, I paid cash for a week. A young man took down my phony identification, I was given a key to find my own way. Opening the sliding door to the patio, I had a view of the coast for miles. Bright red and blue cabanas lined the sand with a bar set up at the end of the pool. Flowers planted in many vibrant colors around the hotel and the scent traveled through the air. Music, melodious to the ear.

My dyed blond short hair the twenty pounds that I had lost and more eye makeup than usual I was sure Mathew would not recognize me. I hid my gun inside the air conditioner. Changing into my swimsuit, sunglasses and book in tow I headed down to the pool. Picking up a towel finding a lounge that gave me the view of the whole area and settled in to wait to see if he appeared.

An older man sat down in the next lounge asked in perfect English if he could buy me a drink. Thanking him, I told him it was a bit early for me. He sauntered off towards the bar stopping to talk to another women. Looking for someone to talk to was my guess.

Then I saw him, his hair dyed jet black, he looked around, settled in a chair at the bar. I just hope my dye job did a better job of disguising me. His drink arrived, he finished it with two swallows, ordered another, getting up he headed towards the bathroom. He had left his keys on the bar, I quickly went over as I ordered a beer, and I took in the number of his suite. Then I settled back to watch him when he returned. He stayed and talked to a few people at the bar for an hour. I left to have a shower before dinner.

My hands were shaking when I arrived for dinner, I was standing right in his line of vision, he was occupied with a dark haired older women talking intimately he never looked up as I passed him on the way to my table. I had lost my appetite so ordered a salad with a glass of white wine.

The man who had asked if I wanted a drink by the pool, stopped, “Please do not turn me down a second time for a drink.”

Smiling, I accepted another glass of wine. “May I ask where you are from dear lady and what you are doing in Brazil?”

“My name is Susan and I live in Canada and on holidays.” I lied.

“Such, a beautiful young women to travel alone.”

“I am meeting some friends here.” Lying again.

Thanking him for the wine, I got up to leave. He held my hand.” Would you accept a dinner invitation for tomorrow evening?” Telling him sorry, I was busy leaving him standing there. All I needed was a man following me around.

They were finishing dinner, the bill arrived and the woman pulled out her credit card, he had experience being a gigolo as I am sure he married his wife for her money and when he could not get more he killed her family.

I waited in the hallway until he left then followed to see if he went back to his room alone. He went to the woman’s room. I broke into his room searched around, and found a gun under his mattress leaving before he came back.

Putting a do not disturb on the outside of my door I slept. Ordering coffee and toast sent up I watched from my patio to see if he would appear on the veranda as breakfast was served. Only his woman friend sat alone.

I put on a light dress and sandals, my large purse with my gun tucked inside I  headed out, as there was a market set up a few blocks from the hotel. The music loud, men and women in costume danced to the beat. Little girls in bright dresses, boy’s faces scrubbed clean, some shoe-less. Everyone smiling showing their white teeth, the food smelled delicious, spices filled the air along with flower and many fruit stands  with a wonderful variety.

Sauntering along I spotted him almost immediately, he was coming out of the local bank. He seemed to be looking for something as he stopped a man, the man pointed down the street. Following at a distance, he turned down an alleyway. When I got there, he was gone. 

I went back to the market picking up a few trinkets, some fresh fruit, when I felt eyes on me. Turning slowly Mathew was behind me, he grabbed my arm tightly moving in close to my face. ‘What are you doing here, how many cops have you got with you?”

Did I want to let him know I was alone? He moved me away from the market and the crowd. Guiding me further away, saying he had a gun in his pocket. He was not aware that I had removed the bullets the night before.

 We rounded a corner and the man from the hotel who had asked me for a dinner stood waving I gave him a big smile waving back as he came towards us.

 “Have your friends arrived yet Susan?” he asked.

Now Mathew would know I was traveling under another name.

“They should be here shortly.” Lying became easier each time.

Mathew moved slightly away, “This is Mathew Sparks.” I introduced him, as if we were old friends.

“We will meet later.” as Mathew turned and left.

“May I buy you a coffee at the market,” he asked, as we walked back towards the crowd.

When I reached the hotel, I stopped to ask if Gregory Smith was in, “You just missed him he checked out half an hour ago.”

“Did he leave a forwarding address?” I knew the answer before he said no.

Now I was back to square one not knowing where he was headed. The women he had spent the night with sat at the bar. Sitting down next to her, I casually asked was she having a good holiday.

“Yes, I have met a lovely man and we are traveling to my home in Armacao dos Buzios later today. I come to this hotel every year as my late husband and I were married here many years ago. I believe I am fortunate to have met someone to spend my time with.”

I left telling her to enjoy her trip home. Looking at a map the place where she lived was a few hundred miles farther south.

Back at the desk, another clerk was on duty, asking him to exchange some cash, as he left to get my money. I turned the ledger around flipping through until I came across her name and address. I hired a car and left knowing he would take this opportunity to hide from me not knowing I would be there to meet him when he arrived. Checking out I was on the road within the hour.

The place was not as touristy and the area filled with large villas. Mathew certainly knew how to pick his prey. Finding her place on a hill over looking the ocean, I had found a perfect spot to watch all the traffic hidden from the road.

A limousine arrived about an hour later, she was alone, had I misjudge him. I waited frustrated that I had made a crucial mistake. I would have to ask Tony to track him again. Then a bright red convertible sped up her driveway, Mathew was the driver.

I ate two chocolate bars and a can of pop waiting for darkness. Walking to the edge of her property I slowly started up her driveway staying on the grass. I must have hit a wire as the lights came on and an alarm blared. I ran into the bushes that surrounded her house and the sprinkler system went into overdrive. I was soaking wet in minutes.

A spotlight came on circling the area, then her voice telling Mathew, “It happens all the time it is animals just passing through.” She went inside but Mathew’s silhouette showed from the light shinning through the window. He stood absolutely still, looking towards the driveway with something in his hand. As he passed the light from the window, it was hard to see him as he descended the stairs, only a dark shadow emerging towards the driveway.

Did he know I was there? Had his friend mentioned about talking to me at the bar? No movement from him, he was listening for something to tell him someone was there. Did he think I had brought police? How foolish that thought was, they would have shown themselves by now. My heart was racing.

He was getting closer to the bush I was hiding behind, a branch moved, I could hear his nervous breathing. I held mine.

“I know you are here, detective,” he whispered.

That is when I stepped from behind the bush pointing my gun.

“Drop your gun now.” I yelled.

He suddenly charged, lashing out with a piece of wood to my face I hit the ground hard, face first, rolling on to my back, I could feel blood running down into my eyes blinding me for a minute  as I tried to  wipe it away with my wet sleeve. Looking up into the darkness, I could see he had his gun pointed at me.

“You thought you were so smart, but now it turns out I am the smart one,” he chided.

A women’s voice calling him from the house, “What are you doing out there, Gregory?”

He turned towards the house,yelled his voice annoyed, “Be there in a few minutes.”

That is when I grabbed my gun from beside me and rapidly shot two  bullets into his body.

Feeling his neck with my sleeve no pulse, he was dead, I searched in the dark for the two casings. Covered my footprints and headed to my car.

I drove to Tony’s house just as the sun was rising, he was in his garden as if he was waiting for me.

Smiling I handed him back his gun, no words needed.

“You have time for a shower before breakfast my dear.”

Sitting at the table as Tony said grace, I said my own prayer to Joe.

I felt contentment in my soul.

Back from holidays.

Driving home from the airport, Joe was very quiet in a sulky mood. We had a terrific holiday sunshine swim daily, snorkeled and enjoyed the Spanish food and drink.

Now it was time to get back to work, things would be different. I would meet the new man who took Mike’s job, which could be very difficult for us both. His reputation was not a good one, doing everything by the book, which we never had to adhere to with Mike. A month away would not make it any easier to bear the loss of Mike. Joe had worked with him years ago.

I moved closer to Joe on the drive back asking, “Are you all right?”

“Not really, Meg let’s quit and move to Spain, we could find jobs there and live a normal life for once.”

“Are you serious?”

“I have never been more serious, Meg, lets get married and start a new life.”

“Wow! You are serious.”

The taxi pulled up in front of my place, saving me more conversation for the time. I loved Joe but I was not ready for marriage. Both my parents hated each other until the day they died in a car crash. Joe stayed inside the cab. “I will see you tomorrow at the office,” as he drove away, not giving me a wave or kiss.

First I poured a drink, then ran a bath, we would talk tomorrow I said to myself. Joe is only feeling let down from the holiday and having to go to the office and see another man sitting in Mike’s chair. After he had a good nights sleep he would be back to his old self. Slipping into my bubble bath, I could feel my body relaxing. The phone rang I ignored it as I knew if we talked tonight it would end in an argument.

Joe was sitting at his desk when I arrived, he looked so handsome with his tanned body that I knew went all the way down his body as mine did. We had spent more time without clothes at the villa than with them on.

 “Good morning Joe.”

“Hello Meg.” Was all I got in return.

Mr. Lawrence Simpson our new boss walked in the door, looked at us both, remarked on our tans, and then went straight into his office.

“Some welcome.” Joe snarled. Joe and Lawrence had a history. When Lawrence was a rookie cop, he had botched a job shooting a suspect in the back of the leg, trying to pass it off as his gun misfired. Joe had called him on it telling him to fess up and admit his mistake. Lawrence had held this against Joe for years.

We were just catching up on some files when Lawrence came out called a meeting of all of the detectives. Started off by saying he wanted to be addressed by his full name.

“Do you mean Lawrence Simpson or just Lawrence?” I asked with a laugh.

“Lawrence will be fine.” Scowling then continued to talk on for half an hour about how he likes to run his ship.

I could not resist laughing. I said, “Oh are we getting a boat in here?” Finally, a smile to Joe’s face, none on Lawrence. All I got was a dirty look and demerit points on my first day back.

“Megan just because you and Joe broke a big case is no reason for insolence.” The edge on his voice sharp, he did not like me already.

“I will call you Lawrence, my name is Meg.” I got up and left the room.

I spent time in the washroom until a loud knock came, Joe standing there with a smirk, pushing me inside the washroom grabbing me and ravishing my body with kisses. Everything was fine now, as I snuggled into his arms, my Joe was back.

Lawrence wanted to separate us as partners, “If you try I will go straight to the Chief.” I yelled. Joe told him he would have our resignation if that was what he was trying to get, but not before going to the chief and explaining he had a hard on for Meg one of the best detectives on the force. He bellowed for us to get out of his office.

While we had been away, the backlog of crimes had increased with few closed files. Methodically we started on the most serious ones, by the end of the week we had closed six of the ten most serious ones. Lawrence never acknowledged this.

Most nights Joe stayed over, we took turns cooking and cleaning up. Tom called one night welcoming us back, sorry to have to call so late but he had a double murder. He was at the house of a well-known attorney, he and his wife both stabbed viciously along with the family dog. A son at university a daughter and her husband traveling in Europe.

As we entered the gated property, flowerbeds of brilliant crimson cascaded down the rock walls along the lit driveway. Finally, the house came into view, a dark brick stately home. A large oak door stood open revealing a flurry of activity, men coming and going with white coveralls and booties to match.

Tom spotted us entering with a nod and look, we could tell Lawrence was here somewhere. News travels fast in our office. Bending to cover our feet, the bloodstains started at the bottom of a staircase. We heard him before we saw him his voice loud and obnoxious.

“You certainly took your time getting here you two,” was all he said.

‘We only got the call from Tom twenty minutes ago, maybe if you had made the call when it came in we would have been here sooner,” I chided. He was the one that should have informed us and he knew it.

“I expect this to be cleared very quickly as he is a well known respected attorney in the community,” was all he had to say before he stomped off.

Laughing, “Spain is looking better all the time, Joe.”

Tom showed us the horrific scene. The bed where they lay completely covered with blood, the wall smeared so you could hardly tell what the color had been. The dog lay on the floor beside the bed, the carpet soaked with its blood. The wife lay under the husband as if he had tried to shield her from the killer. Both throats severed. Tom looked sadden by the scene in front of him but continued to do his job. Milan beside him looked up with recognition and a nod. Both died quickly was all that Tom said. He would see us tomorrow with his report.

Joe and I went to the man’s office and started looking through files, nothing stood out, but we would go through them tomorrow and try to make some sense of all this.

A loud voice traveled through the house, their son had arrived, and we left the office to go down to meet him. He was screaming and crying he wanted to see his parents. Joe took him outside, I could see he was trying to calm him down when a woman pulled up jumping from her car running towards the boy. He fell into her arms as she soothingly whispered to him. I could see Joe standing back letting her calm him, he sobbed in her arms openly, and she had tears running down her face.

She was the sister of the man whose body lay in the bed. Joe was asking her some questions, she was trying to keep control as she answered. Her brother had no enemies that she knew of neither did his wife. She wanted to see them, Joe told her she could come down to the morgue tomorrow with her nephew.

We let the forensic team do their job, when the bodies were taken to the coroners van, Joe and I went over the bedroom again looking for something, anything at this point to help solved these brutal murders.

Arriving back to my place it was six in the morning, too charged to sleep I put on some coffee. Going through what info we had which was not a lot, we started to try to build a case. The sister had told Joe the only person that her brother did not get along with was his son-in-law. He was traveling in Europe so not a suspect at this point.

Tomorrow we would go through any of his clients that had a grudge, ex-cons, someone that he did not get off, as he was a trial attorney.

Showering and changing we headed out to the house, Joes cell went off he let it go to messaging. It was Lawrence wondering where we were. Joe messaged back when we got to the house and told him we would be there most of the day going through records. A reply came right back to keep him informed.

A few names stood out among many of his clients. This man had a history of defending many criminals, some cases won with few losses. We looked into the losses, which we could run through the database to see what they were up to now. Joe came across an email from his daughter asking if he could advance them another fifty thousand dollars as Mathew had come across a warehouse with some old antiques and wanted to ship them home. The return email just said no.

Heading back to see Tom in the basement, he was only half way through the autopsy of the pair. With not much, except that the knife was a twelve inch serrated steel blade with a bone handle, apiece found in the dog. He would call us as soon if he had anything useful. The dog was a different story he had human blood on his teeth, he had bitten the murderer and the blood would be tested and analyzed. Milan was working on it now. Our luck was with us, Lawrence was out for lunch, so we left promptly.

“Let’s go home for a shower and have some lunch while we are there.” I suggested.

 “Only if I can scrub your back, Meg.” Joe laughed.

The next morning sitting going over our notes a call came through from the victim’s daughter, she had arrived home this morning her aunt had reached her in Milan. Could we meet with her this morning at her apartment?

As we went to leave, Lawrence came out of his office wanting to know how the case was going. “I expect an update daily and for you both to answer my phone calls.” He snapped. He thought this tactic would wear us down. It would only make us harder to deal with.

“When we have something to report we will.” I snapped back. Leaving him, standing looking a fool, holding tightly to his coffee cup. I was getting to him.

Her apartment was decorated very tastefully, many antiques throughout her living room. She was a thin plain looking woman who did as much as she could to look personable. Her cloths hung loosely. Asking where her husband was she responded in a quiet voice that he had stayed to finish off some business in Milan.

Joe asked, “What business is he in.” Joe never asked a question that he did not know the answer to.

“He deals in antiques, this was a business trip.” Then breaking down, we waited until she had regained her pose.

I left Joe to ask the question, he was better at questioning people who were distraught, I just plunged in without thinking of their distress.

She could not think of anyone who would want to hurt her parents.

Then I asked, “I understand that you’re husband and father did not get along well.”

Her face showed concern, wringing her hands her fingers went to her loose wedding rings twirling then around her fingers. Had she been under stress and lost weight recently I wondered?

“They had their disagreements about money as my father borrowed us the money to start our business, but Mathew loved my father.” That was when her voice and body language changed. 

“Who told you they didn’t get along?” She asked. Not mentioning she had asked her father for more only a few weeks ago. Joe started another line of question but she had clammed up, asking us to leave her to grieve. 

I told her. “When your husband gets home tell him to get in touch with us.”

Tom called. He had a name from the blood samples on the dog along with fingerprints on the dog’s collar. They matched a known hit man who had spent time in jail because of a lost case from our dead attorney. Tom had gotten us the last address the man had used. He was working for us maybe even not communicating with Lawrence.

“Tom we owe you a dinner, thanks so much, finally something tangible to work with.” Joe said excitedly.

Barry Johnston lived above a bar, we knocked got no answer. Heading, downstairs to the bar three men sat drinking beer, two playing pool. The bartender by his look knew we were cops.

“Were looking for Barry Johnston?” I asked showing my badge.

The bartender eyes moved towards the pool table, Joe yelled “Barry.”

 A bulky man shaved head, eyes of steel with a bandaged hand looked up, and then bolted towards the back door.

“Meg you follow him, I will cut him off in the alley.”

He pushed chairs down as he ran, I banged my leg while jumping over one of them, and I pulled my gun yelling for him to stop. He was out the door slamming it behind him. I crashed through, not seeing him. Looked left, then right, Barry has chosen wrong.

Joe stood waiting with his gun pointed at him. His hands went up he knew he did not have a chance. As I slapped the cuffs on he screamed when I purposely banged his bandaged hand. 

We booked him, got a search warrant and went back to his place. It was loaded with boxes filled with appliances, suits, jewellery paintings. Guess this was his sideline besides killing people. Joe turned his mattress a red book lay hidden in a cloth, a list of names and what he had sold them and the price they paid. One name stood out.

“Well well, turning to Joe.” Mathew Sparks name circled with dollar signs, a date written in. With a balance owing of five thousand dollars.

“Joe, the date matches the night of the murder.”

My cell beeped, Lawrence, guess he thought if Joe did not answer, he would try mine. Answering, all I said was I was busy and would be in the office within the hour clicking my phone off.

The Chief sat in Lawrence’s office, Lawrence livid behind his desk.

“Hello Joe and Meg, we seem to have a breakdown in communication here. Lawrence feels you are not keeping him updated in your cases.” The Chief lips upturned with a smile.

“Chief, we do not have time every few hours when on a case to stop our investigation every time Lawrence wants to talk.” I replied.

Joe added we have the suspect in custody downstairs and are on our way to interrogate him now.

Lawrence sputtered, “Why was I not informed of this?”

I smiled at the Chief. “Because when you phoned we were running after the suspect taking him down.”

“Go finish the job you two, I need to have a talk with Lawrence now.”

Heading down to the cells, “I think Lawrence is going to get a talking to.” I chuckled.

Barry knew we had him cold and was not going down alone. He wrote a full statement explaining it all.
Heading back to Mathews place his wife opened the apartment door,looking disheveled and scared. Standing behind her, Mathew Sparks her husband, stood with a gun pointed at her.

“I was expecting you, I will kill her, you know that.” Come in and drop your guns slowly. As we did, Joe leaped ahead, pushing me out, slamming the door shut. Then two shots fired.

Had Joe got to his gun? Then Mathew appeared, pointed his gun at me, and backed up to the elevator. My only thought was if Joe was all right.

I ran inside there lay two bodies. Joe looked up, blood pumping from his chest. “I love you sweetheart.” Calling an ambulance, I lay beside him holding him in my arms until his breath stopped.

 The love of my life lay dead.

Phoning Tom I sat stunned, caressing Joes head in my lap and waited. Tom arrived pulling me away from Joe and held me tight as I sobbed uncontrollably.

All I remember in the fog of Joe’s funeral was a huge crowd and Leo standing far in the background, many condolences and Tom holding my hand.

I handed in my resignation the next day to the Chief. Lawrence called my landline and my cell but I never took his calls.

My goal was to hunt down Mathew Sparks myself and kill him.

I did not want the restraints of the police force, as this was personal, I would do whatever it took to take down Mathew Sparks.

I had to grieve first and question why I did not take Joe up on us leaving the force to have a life together in Spain.

I would live with that for the rest of my life.